Sue Slayers
by Ranguvar27
Summary: There is a deadly Scourge in the world of Underland-Mary Sues. They come in all cup sizes and only one shape, and cast their poisonous influences far and wide. There is only one hope-The Sue Slayers. All Sues created by me. Compatible with my Series.
1. Mission One: Tarrant's Twu Wuv

The Sue Slayers

Mission One: Tarrant's Twu Wuv

_**A/N: Gavin Castling belongs to fairfarrenlovelylydia. She is also the other Slayer. (Lydia, you get first kill!)**_

It was a beautiful day in Underland. Birds were singing, flowers were gossiping, and the Mad Hatter was skipping about declaring his great love for Aurora Katherine Victoria Desiree Emerald Haynes.

Aurora had arrived only moments before, and Tarrant had taken one look at her flowing, shimmery blonde hair, perfect DDD breasts, slim waistline, chartreuse eyes that reflected infinite wisdom, pain, and sadness, and immediately forgotten all about Alice. "My dearest darling love, where do you come from and why do you look so utterly devastated?"

Aurora wiped a glistening pearl of a tear away from her alabaster cheeks with a perfectly pale hand and spoke in a voice that reminded Tarrant of the most beautiful music he had ever heard. "I am nobody special, just a long lost princess who was orphaned at birth when my parents died in a tragic accident involving monkeys and a lightning rod. I was raised by my horrid aunt who never appreciated me and made me do horrible things like clean my room and do laundry. I was locked in a damp, dingy, rat-infested basement and given only stale three day old bread crusts and sewer water to drink. My aunt made me clean the house with a toothbrush with only two bristles and beat me with a brick if I didn't obey her every wish. But I never gave up hope that someday I would find true happiness."

Tarrant sobbed dramatically. "Oh...boohoo...that's so horrid! Do please continue with your oh so moving story, my darling! For although we have just met, I know that you are my True Destiny and we will be forever and ever and ever and ever in the deepest and truest of truest and deepest loves."

Aurora sobbed as she continued to tell how no one at school liked her and were jealous because she had a tested IQ of 459 and was taking advanced college classes even though she was only a senior in high school. They were jealous of her many talents in music, painting, writing, dancing, acting, and everything else. "No...wahhh...nobody loved me, so I fell down the Hole, and now I am happy because I've found you, my darling Hatter! We will have a perfect wedding and perfect babies and a perfect life. It will be perfect." Tarrant took her into his strong and muscular arms, his eyes flooded with tears.

Aurora clung to Tarrant like a barnacle as they wailed and bawled.

Unknown to either of them, their entire nauseatingly sappy and angst filled display had been noticed. Nivens Mctwisp fought back the bile that threatened to rise as he hopped quickly towards the White Palace. "Another Sue, we're getting more and more every day! I do hope Mirana has a solution!"

Mirana was sitting in her chambers going over a very touching letter she had just received from Sir Gavin Castling, a retired knight turned wine merchant that she had met while on a walking tour of her kingdom. She had been in ordinary garb, but he had recognized her straight off. Much to her relief, he had kept silent, and offered to act as a guide. He knew all the best taverns and sights, and Mirana had found herself quite infatuated with him after only a few short days.

_'My dear Mirana,_(read the letter in part)_ 'I have not been able to stop thinking of you since that wonderful holiday. If I may, I would like to call upon you later this evening. If you are in favor, leave a Mirror open and I will come through at a time which is most convenient to you._

_Yours Very Truly, _

_Gavin Castling.' _

Mirana smiled, then turned to her Mirror, speaking in a clear voice that only trembled a little from anticipation. "Sir Gavin Castling." The mirror shimmered, and Mirana beamed as her reflection faded to be replaced by a pale man of average height with light blond hair and deep blue eyes. "Sir Gavin, what a joy to receive your letter. I so enjoyed our time together."

Gavin smiled. "It was my pleasure, Mirana. I so enjoyed walking along the White Sea and the dinners we had. I have been hoping that you would be calling on me."

"I was wondering, Sir Gavin, if you would like to...what in Time?!" She spun around, gawping in shock at the breathless Rabbit that had just come barreling in. "Mctwisp, explain yourself!"

The Rabbit struggled to speak between gasps. "Tarrant...spell...Sue...Aurora...beautiful...tragic..." he fainted when Mirana let loose with a string of very UnQueenly curses. Gavin blinked, taken aback.

"Mirana, what in Time? What is the matter?"

"Slurking barlom Sue bint! Gavin, I'm terribly sorry but I have to make a very important call. The fate of Tarrant hinges on it."

"He's being influenced by a Sue?"

Mirana blinked in surprise. "You know about those vile creatures?"

Gavin nodded, his face solemn. "Oh yes. I met one in my youth named Serena Sparkle Jewel. Luckily, I was able to cast off her poisonous influence. If you need any help, I can recommend some excellent Slayers. They are not cheap, but they do an extremely efficient job. Their names are Teresa Wright and Lydia McGlyn."

Mirana laughed. "I know them! They helped rid Underland of the Sue known as Narcissa! Good Slayers both. Now, Gavin, I really need to call Teresa." Gavin nodded in understanding and broke the connection. Mirana sighed, then spoke in a commanding tone. "Teresa Wright." The mirror shimmered once more, revealing a tall, fit woman of thirty with black hair streaked with red. She was cleaning her nails with a pocket knife and had her booted feet propped up on a table strewn with knives of all sizes and shapes. She looked up, grinning.

"Mirana. What a pleasant surprise. How may I be of service to you?"

"Teresa, we've got another Sue. She arrived only yesterday, and Tarrant has fallen under her spell!"

Teresa sat up straight, her eyes blazing. "Tell me everything."

"Her name is Aurora Katherine Victoria Desiree Emerald Haynes, and she has a overwrought and tragic background. Tarrant has been following her around and weeping like the Mock turtle. It's becoming quite annoying. And the worst of it is, we can't find his family anywhere."

Teresa cursed loudly. "It's a Twu Wuv Black Hole Sue. She makes it so that she's the only thing he notices. She's got his true family stashed somewhere."

"Can things be put right?"

Teresa grinned maliciously. "Of course. Lydia and I go in and kill Abobbo or whatever her name is, and reality will be restored. Tarrant will find himself at the Tea Tables, and think he just had a very bad dream." Mirana sighed in relief and broke the connection, and Teresa spoke without looking around. "So, Lydia, you ready to go kill another Sue?"

Lydia walked in, loaded down with more knives than Terri could count. "You bet! When do we leave?"

Terri grinned and strapped on her knives. "Right now. We should come out right near the Sue, so be prepared. Ready?" Lydia nodded, eyes alight with blood lust, and Teresa opened a passage that would take them directly to Tarrant and Aurora.

"And our seventh child will be named Celeste after the only person that ever cared even a little bit about me, my great-grandmother, who tragically was unable to care for me due to her crippling Bingo addiction but who would send me two dollar certificates to McDonald's every year, but of course I never got to use them because my evil Aunt Mildred stole everything from me! BOO HOO HOO!"

Lydia fought back a scream of rage as she took in the scene-Tarrant sitting at the Tea Table, his eyes swimming with tears as he gazed at the impossibly beautiful and big titted girl sitting in the Chair. "Oh, bitch, you did not! You did NOT steal Tarrant's Chair! Terri, I want to kill this one! Let me kill this one! Please?" Teresa nodded her approval, too incoherent with laughter to speak, and Lydia danced in glee before stepping forward. "Excuse me!"

Aurora blinked at the servant girl that had seemingly emerged out of thin air. She wasn't too surprised, though-her beloved Tarrant had told her that this was a strange land. "Yes, peasant?" She blinked again as the peasant-a very plain girl with horrid brown hair-smiled toothily. Tarrant sat and stared into space, boohooing and unaware of anything.

"Aurora Katherine Victoria Desiree Haynes?" At a regal nod, Lydia's grin grew wider. "My name is Lydia McGlyn, Sue Slayer, and it is my Duty to inform you that you are guilty of the following crimes: Temporarily erasing Tarrant's real family from existence, attempting to make him your twu wuv, turning him into a sappy, whiny emo baby, having a frankly hilarious 'tragic' past, being a whiner, and worst of all, sitting in the Chair. For that, as well as having a body that frankly defies the laws of physics, you are sentenced to an immediate and painful death. There is no appeal." Aurora gasped and tried to get out of the Chair and make a run for it, but Lydia whipped out two knives, throwing them with blinding speed and pinned her to the Chair. Aurora screamed prettily as sparkly blood seeped from the wounds in her shoulders. Lydia unsheathed two long daggers and stepped forward. Aurora's tears flowed daintily.

"Why? All I wanted was for Tarrant to be my one true love! I only wanted to be loved, and appreciated,"

"And worshiped, and adored, and idolized, and Tarrant has a family and a true love, and why am I still talking to you?" Lydia plunged her daggers into Aurora's eyes and throat, watching in satisfaction as she screamed and died.

The ground began to shake, and Lydia clung to the Table. "What the?"

Teresa kept her balance by clinging to a nearby tree. "Reality is reasserting itself! We'd better get going!" Lydia stumbled forward, looking in concern at the rigid figure of Tarrant. "Lyds, don't worry about Tarrant! Once reality is restored, he'll have his true family back and Aurora will be nothing but a bad dream. We can visit later." Lydia nodded and ran forward, and the Slayers leapt through the passage to home just as a titanic upheaval occurred.

Tarrant shook himself as he came to. What a horrible dream he had just had! His family was gone, and he was in lust with an impossibly beautiful and large-chested girl!

"Thank Time it was only a nightmare! I'd better hurry, Arianna has invited Alice and I over for dinner."

He went inside to change, eager to see his family.

And in Slayer Headquarters, Teresa marked another Mission as Complete.

Until the next one...


	2. Mission Two: Mirana's Long Lost Sister

Mission Two: Mirana's Long Lost Sister

Francine Fawn Faraday Felicity The Fifth, Royal Princess of Diamonds and the long lost elder sister of Queens Mirana and Iracebeth, brushed back her long red hair and smoothed out her gorgeous diamond covered red dress before slipping into her diamond encrusted six inch high stilletos and gliding out of her diamond shaped and encrusted palace to gracefully step into her diamond shaped and encrusted carriage.

She had a lot of diamond stuff, in case it's not clear.

Francine sighed happily. In just a few short hours, she would finally be reunited with the only family she had left. Her mind wandered back to that horrible day when she had been cruelly snatched from her sisters.

They had been romping in the Gardens(normally Francine would not demean herself to so much as touch dirt, but Mirana had begged her until she gave in), and she had been attempting to climb a tree while wearing high heels. Naturally, it wasn't going well, but Francine had a streak of stupid...err...stubbornness a mile wide. "Dumb old tree! I'm gonna climb you!" The idea of taking her shoes off never once entered her mind.

Suddenly, a fierce one eyed giant emerged out of nowhere and snatched her away before Mirana or Iracebeth could react. The giant carried her to his home where she was forced to work as a slave for many years.

But then the giant died of cholesterol poisoning from eating too many eggs, and Francine took over his home, turning it into the Palace of Diamonds in a mere two weeks. But even with massive wealth, people that worshiped her, and a body that would make anyone-man, woman, or animal, fall madly in love with her, she felt lost and alone. She tried to fill the emptiness in her heart with material objects, but no matter how many beautiful dresses she had made or how many pieces of priceless jewelry she owned, nothing worked. Finally, she realized that she missed her family and the love they shared.

She knew of the terrible War that had been fought between Red and White, and the exile and subsequent death of Iracebeth. She had cried diamond tears when she viewed this all through her Magic Mirror. Her Army had wanted to march out, but the idea of having to choose sides was devastating to her. How could she be forced to make a decision like that? Or any decision, for that matter?

Francine was bought out of her stupor when the carriage came to a halt. She stuck her head out of the window, speaking in a voice that was used to obedience. "Why have we stopped? Get this carriage moving right away! I must make it to Marmoreal so I may be reunited with my long lost sister, Queen Mirana, and we will have a touching and weepy reunion."

The driver turned to her, a malicious grin on her face. "I'm so sorry, Princess. Do please let me fawn and grovel to you." She hopped down and walked over to the carriage, wrenching the door open and yanking Francine out by the hair and deposited her in a heap on the ground. Francine shrieked in rage and tried to stand, but the driver kicked her legs out from under her. "Oh, I'm so very sorry, Princess! I meant to do this!" Francine howled as the horrid woman bought her foot up in a vicious arc and kicked her in the face, breaking her nose.

"By dose! O boke by dose!" She began bawling loudly. "By bootiful dose! By perfeck face! I's ruined! You MEAN BERSON!"

"Yes, and...WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Francine fell silent, shocked that this lowly peon had dared to yell at her. "Thank you. As I was saying, you're damn lucky I didn't do worse, you dumb bitch. Now, we are going to have a nice, long talk."

The woman sat cross legged on the ground and pulled out a long sheet of paper. "Francine Fawn Faraday Felicity the...Fifth? Wish I had a fifth...anyway, really? That's your name? It's so...pointlessly long."

"It's a noble name passed down from...OW!" She rubbed her cheek. "You hit me!"

"Yes, and every time you interrupt me when I'm talking you will get a smack in the face. So be quiet, okay? Okay. Now, according to this, you are the long lost elder sister of Queen Mirana as well as the Princess of Diamonds. You also command an army. No mention of how big, but I'm going to guess it's bigger than the White and Red Armies combined. And yet you did nothing to help Mirana in the Battle, not that she needed you anyway. You also have a ridiculous reason for being 'lost'. Giants don't exist here, dumkoff. You are also dressed in a rather ostentatious manner, but you get slight points for not having tits bigger than your waist. You are also a whiny Mary Sue and for that you are sentenced to death." The woman pulled a pistol and fired, and Francine Fawn Faraday Felicity the Fifth fell with a bullet in her brain.

Teresa stood, re-holstered her pistol and pulled out a small hand mirror. "Mission accomplished, Alannah. Thanks for the early warning."

Alannah grinned at her. "You're quite welcome. Mirana's busy being wooed by Gavin, the last thing she needs is to worry about another Sue."

Teresa laughed. "True. Now I just have to deal with Lydia."


	3. Interlude One

Interlude One

Terri stepped aside as a paperback book came flying towards her. "Lydia, I'm sorry I didn't take you along on the last mission but..." she ducked again as her partner-now in her third day of the 24 hour flu bug-threw her notebook at her with a snarl.

"You...ACHOO...you could have given me some medicine from Alannah! I would have(a long cough) been fine!"

Terri rolled her eyes at her stubborn friend. "Yes, I can see that you are doing much better. Lydia, you know we can't go into the fic worlds with real-world diseases. There's no telling how they'll mutate. Plus, I prefer being stealthy, and having a partner that's hacking up her lungs doesn't exactly help." She pulled a small package out of her pocket and tossed it at Lydia, who caught it one-handed.

"What's this?'

"Medicine, from Alannah. Spotty pox is pretty similar to the flu, but without the purple spots. She told me you should take it with water."

Lydia opened the box and recoiled. "Ugh, that stinks. Well, I suppose it can't hurt to try." Terri bought her a glass, and Lydia read the instructions. _'Stir two teaspoons medicine in one glass of water until dissolved. Repeat every 24 hours until cured or medicine runs out, whichever comes first. Warning-medicine tastes rather nasty, so drink quickly.'_ "Can't she make good tasting medicine? Oh well, here goes." She mixed the medicine, then took a deep breath and downed the concoction, sputtering and coughing as the bitter mixture went down her throat. "Oh good...that is disgusting! I hope I get better soon."

"I hope you do too, I miss your snarkiness and...creativity with the Sues."


	4. Mission Three: Girl of The Future!

Mission Three: Girl of the Future!

Alison Alicia Alexis Ashlynn was just your typical, everyday girl. She had the typical average waist length blond hair that never got dirty or tangled, a typical body that made men and women fall madly in love with her, the typical super-genius level IQ, and the typical talents in every possible field. She could sing, she could dance, she could act, she could play every instrument, she could cook, she was a piano prodigy, she discovered cold fusion, she was fluent in over sixty languages, was a self-made millionaire by the age of eleven, and was Valedictorian, Prom Queen, Homecoming Queen, School President four years running, a straight-A student, had perfect attendance, and was in the Chess Club, Math Club, Honors Society, and Glee Club.

But, despite all this, she was the most unhappy person to ever live, because she had no true friends, only hangers-on and toadies.

The fact that she was a stuck up, self centered snob who looked down her nose at everyone never once crossed her mind.

She had one escape-her computer. She would spend hours on it browsing fanfiction for the newest stories about her biggest crush, Tarrant Hightopp from the magical film Alice in Wonderland. She had seen the movie two hundred times in the theater, and each time she imagined how much fun it would be to live in Underland with him. She could do without that ugly old Knave, though! He was so icky. She wrote story after story in which she fell down the Hole and wowed the citizens of Underland with her vast wisdom and amazing technology. Just imagine how they would react to her laptop! Or to her digital camera! Or even to Hershey's chocolate! They would be astounded and treat her like royalty!

One day, while she was walking in her private forest, she came across a gigantic hole that she had never seen before. "It must be the Rabbit Hole! I will jump down to Underland and wow them with my technology, which they will mistake for magic, and my intelligence!" With that, she adjusted the straps on her Hello Kitty backpack, took a deep breath, and jumped.

**Meanwhile, at Sue Slayer HQ**

Terri was jerked out of a very pleasant dream involving Rumplestiltskin from OUAT and whipped cream by the sound of a siren blaring. "What the? !" She blinked, rubbing her face to wake herself up, and turned her attention to a large video screen hanging on the wall. It was blinking **ALERT** **ALERT** over and over, and she turned to her computer, growling. "Great. LYDIA!"

Lydia came staggering in, her hair in corkscrews and her eyes still half shut. "What?"

Terri pointed to the screen. "Assignment."

Lydia groaned, sinking into a nearby chair. "It's three in the morning! Can't it wait until a more decent hour?" Terri gave her a look, and she huffed. "Fine, what's the Status?"

"It's an Anachronism Sue. She's planning on bringing technology to Underland."

Lydia rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that'll work. Don't these Future!Sues realize that Underland is pretty much in the Victorian Era?"

"No, I think they're too focused on the perceived hotness of Tarrant to notice anything else."

"This from the girl that tries not to drool whenever she talks to Ilosovic."

Terri blushed crimson. "He knows I have a crush on him, and he also knows that I'm great friends with Alannah and would never attempt anything. Just like you would never try anything with Tarrant, Miss Gets all giggly when he grins at you."

Lydia pouted. "I do not get giggly! Well...okay, but he teases me!" She stuck her tongue out at Terri's eye roll. "So, is the Sue in Underland yet?"

Terri scrolled down. "No, she just arrived in the Hall of Doors. If we hurry, we can catch her before she gets in. I want to have a talk with her."

Lydia grinned. Terri's 'talks' tended to leave the Sues black and blue.

Ten minutes later, they were breakfasted, dressed, and ready to go. Terri opened up the passage to the Hall of Doors, and the Slayers jumped through.

**Hall of Doors**

Alison stood gracefully, brushing a tiny strand of hair out of her face, and looked around, trying to remember how to get into Underland. She knew it had something to do with drinking and eating, but her Hatter-obsessed mind wasn't being of any help. So she decided to use that all powerful oracle known as Google. She found a comfortable spot on the floor and took her laptop out of her backpack. She opened it up, flipped the switch-

And nothing happened.

Alison frowned. She had made sure to charge the battery before leaving, so it couldn't have died already! She turned it off and on again, and was met by blackness.

"Why don't you try it forty two more times? It might work then!"

Alison jumped at the voice. She turned her head, gaping at the women that emerged from the shadows. They were both dressed in long shirts, trousers, and boots, but what made Alison gulp in fear was the rather large assortment of knives they had between them and the looks of sheer hatred they were giving her. The woman who had spoken was the taller of the two, and Alison knew right away that she was the more dangerous. Still, her bravado took over. "Who are you?"

"Teresa Wright, and this is my partner in crime Lydia McGlyn. We're here because you, Alison Alicia Alexis Ashlynn, are a Sue of the Future. Now..." Terri sat in front of Alison and pulled out a long knife with a serrated edge. "We're going to have a talk of many things. First off, can you tell me when Alice in Wonderland takes place?"

Alison scrunched up her face in intense constipation...err..concentration. "2010?" She yelped in shock when Terri slapped her hand with the flat of her knife.

"No, that's when the movie came out. _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland _was written in 1865 by Lewis Carroll. The sequel book, _Through The Looking Glass and What Alice Found There_, was written in 1871. Now, can you tell me what time period that would be?"

"Derrr...Victorian?"

Lydia smiled indulgently and patted Alison on the head rather hard. "Good girl! Nice to see that super genius IQ being put to some use. Now, were there computers back then?"

"...No?"

Terri grinned like a shark. "Correct! So, if there weren't any computers, why would your laptop work?"

Alison glared at her. "It's a fictional world, I can do what I want!" She saw stars as a furious Terri backhanded her.

"I am so fucking sick of that excuse! So many Sues use that 'oh, it's not a real world, I can do what I want!' Bull-fucking-shit! Even fictional worlds have Rules, you bloody wanker."

Lydia smacked the back of Alison's head. "Part of our job is to make sure the Rules are followed. By bringing anachronistic items into Underland, you are breaking major Rules. Not to mention being quite the Sue. But, since you haven't actually entered Underland yet, we're inclined to show you a bit of mercy."

Terri frowned. "We are?" Lydia nodded, winking at her, and Terri grinned. "Oh, yes we are. Alison, you are a Sue, but the Slayer Rules say we can't actually kill you unless you interfere with the citizens of Underland, and you haven't done that yet. However, you have written a great deal of self insert wish fulfillment fanfiction, and that will make your punishment a bit harsher. Lydia, if you would?"

Alison barely had time to react before Lydia grabbed her jaw, forcing her mouth open. Terri pulled a bottle out of her pocket and dumped the foul contents down Alison's throat. Before she could spit them out, Lydia clamped her nose and mouth shut, forcing her to swallow. Alison coughed, then fell forward unconscious. Terri and Lydia watched as she began to fade away. Soon all that was left was a vaguely sweet smell. Lydia coughed. "Ugh, Sue-stink. I hope that potion works."

Terri pocketed the bottle. "When have Alannah's potions ever not worked? Alison will wake up in her home, and have no desire to write shitty fic ever again. Now, why don't we see if Mirana and Gavin are having a feast? I could use a bit of fun."

Lydia grinned, and the Slayers walked into Underland, eager to see their friends.


	5. Interlude Two: A Fine Feast

Interlude Two: A Fine Feast

Mirana was in the palace kitchens mixing together ingredients for Pishalver when Mctwisp came hopping in. "Majesty, Teresa and Lydia are waiting for you in the throne room" Mirana sighed in resignation and headed out of the kitchen, wondering what new devilry was plaguing Underland this time. She gave the Slayers a friendly but cautious smile.

"Greetings, my friends. What brings you here?"

Teresa laughed. "Mirana, don't look so suspicious. We're here on a visit, nothing more. We took care of the Sue already. Lyds and I managed to neutralize her in the Hall of Doors. She won't be coming back, either."

Mirana sighed in relief."Well, thank Time for small favors. What species of Sue was she?"

Lydia turned from her admiration of the Vorpal Sword to answer. "A Future Sue. Thought she would wow you guys with her 'magical' technology. Terri and I had to explain once again that that stuff doesn't work here. You'd think after a while, they would get it."

Terri scoffed. "Lydia, Sues aren't exactly known for intelligence, no matter how high of an IQ they claim to have."

"IQ in this case meaning Idiot Quotient," snarked Mirana, making the two Slayers giggle like hyenas. "Well, since you both are here on a visit, I propose a feast. I'll invite the Stayne and Hightopp Clans as well as Gavin, and we'll eat in my private dining quarters. Does that meet your approval?"

Terri pretended to think. "Hmm...delicious food, excellent spirits, enjoyable company and conversation, no needing to clean up after, and the chance to meet your boyfriend? I suppose we can endure it. What do you think, Lyds?"

"It will be difficult, but we'll manage. Now, where's the grub?"

Mirana laughed. "I'll tell Thackery to get started on the feast right away, and in the meanwhile I'll contact the clans and Gavin and tell them to come to Marmoreal."

Thirty minutes later, everyone was gathered in Mirana's private dining quarters, and many lively conversations were going on. Lydia and Terri were discussing the latest in Sue-Slaying with Ilosovic, Gavin and Victoria were arguing the merits of hand squeezed versus press squeezed shimbleberries for cordials and wines, Alannah and Arianna were discussing the fact that Fiona was showing an interest in the Healing Arts and the possibility of Alannah training her when she came of age, Michael and Tarrant were discussing Michael's latest book-a collection of recipes made for the Mad Tea Party, and the others were interjecting into the various conversations with their ideas or input-occasionally remembering to eat a bit of food-when the doors banged open and the last thing anyone expected to see came flouncing in.

The intruder was a young woman with lank blond hair and a pockmarked face. She had on a tee shirt that said "Alice + Mirana=True Love Forever!" The shirt was covered in pins showing Alice and Mirana giving each other affectionate looks. In each hand the girl carried a placard. One said "Malice Forever!" and the other said "Down With Talice!" Before Mirana could open her mouth to ask what the devil was going on, the girl marched up to the table. "Mirana and Alice belong together! I have proof that they are the only true pairing supported by the movie! I watched it frame by frame to prove it! Alice and Tarrant are boring and predictable! Alice had a chance for a life with her Queen and she should not be with Tarrant! Mirana needs Alice! They are the most perfect of perfect pairings! Long Live Malice! Long Live Malice! Long Li...ULK!"

Terri blinked in pretend shock. "Oh my, you appear to have a knife in your neck. I have no idea how that got there. Lydia?"

Lydia's face was the picture of innocent bewilderment. "No idea. Wonder how she got in? I thought we'd shut the Door. Oh well, she'll be dead in a few moments."

Lydia's prediction proved true, and soon the girl was still. Mirana wrinkled her nose. "Let us hope we have no more intrusions. By the way, I thought Sues were all unearthly beauties. This one seems rather plain."

Terri poked at the wound. "Suethor. And from the way she was rabbiting on, I'd say she's a DFOS Suethor."

Tarrant blinked in confusion. "DFOS?"

"Die For Our Ship", Terri said. "It's a term where we're from that means that a fic writer only accepts one pairing, whether it's canon or not."

"What does a cannon have to do with anything?"

Teresa and Lydia exchanged resigned looks, took deep breaths, and proceeded to tell the Underlanders all about fanfiction.


	6. Mission Four: Invasion!

Mission Four: Invasion!

It was two months Earth time since the feast in Underland, and Terri and Lydia had found themselves in a bit of a slump. Oh, they had jobs, but most of the Sues and Stus were so poorly written and defined that they required only a minimum effort to exterminate. Teresa was becoming more bored by the minute. Why couldn't they have an actual challenge?!

Little did she know that her pleas had been heard.

The Slayers were lounging in their Quarters trying to stave off boredom when an earsplitting shriek rent the air. Lydia, who had been scribbling story ideas in her notebook, screamed and jumped in the air, causing the notebook and her pen to go flying. Teresa clapped her hands to her ears, wincing. "The hell?!" she shouted, head starting to pound.

Lydia had discovered the source of the noise. "It's the Sue Alert! It's going crazy!"

Teresa had to shout over the persistent blare of the alarm. "It's never been this loud be..." she trailed off, eyes wide and face pale as she read the word flashing on her monitor in tall, bright red letters. "Lydia, suit up! Any weapons you can carry, get them, and be ready to leave in two minutes!" Terri leapt out of her chair and began strapping on knives, guns, swords at a furious pace, then turned to Lydia. "We've got an invasion." Lydia gaped at her for half a second than bolted for her weapons.

As soon as they were kitted out, Terri opened a passage, and the women leapt through. "Oh, thank Time!"

Terri blinked, recognizing where they were-the Staynes' cottage. Alannah was in the kitchen, a large silver pot in front of her in which a strange purple liquid bubbled. She cast the Slayers a grateful look. "You have no idea how glad I am to see you two. We're just barely holding our own."

Lydia frowned. 'What happened?"

"Two days ago, a messenger came with news that a hole had been discovered where one had never been before, and that he could hear singing coming from it. Ilosovic went to investigate with a Patrol, and..." Alannah took a deep breath before continuing. "they were attacked. Patrol barely made it back, and there were a few casualties. Mirana Sealed the hole, but a lot of Sues and Stus got through. I was the one to sound the Alarm."

Teresa gulped. "Ilosovic?"

Alannah smiled at her, not unaware of the crush she had. "He's perfectly fine. He's immune to Sues, remember? Tarrant and the others are fine too. I gave them some of my Blocker," she said, pointing at the liquid in the pot. "Now, I know as Slayers you both have a natural immunity to Sues or to becoming Sues, but I'm not taking any chances." She dipped two goblets into the pot and handed them over. "Drink." They obeyed, wincing as the cold liquid sloshed down their throats. "I know it tastes vile. Now, come with me." She walked over to the mirror, and for the first time Teresa and Lydia saw she was fitted out for battle.

"Where are we going?" Terri asked.

Alannah smiled grimly. "Chess Board, and you're going to be a welcome sight."

Ilosovic wiped the sweat from his forehead as he dispatched another Sue. This one had been crying that Thackery, of all creatures,was her one and only true love. Oddly, she looked like a cross between a human and a hare-if said hare had 'long, silky ears and the softest fur ever'. He looked over to where Katarina and Victoria were battling two Stus at once, and silently thanked Time that he had passed his immunity down to his children. Now, if only..he yelped in shock as Alannah appeared out of thin air, accompanied by Teresa and Lydia. "About bloody time you three showed up!"

Alannah gave him a quick kiss. "Sorry, love, but someone had to be there to give the Slayers an extra boost. Now, Lydia, Teresa, if you're ready?" The Slayers grinned, then drew their swords and ran into the fray.

Gavin and Mirana were fighting back to back, their swords swinging in unison. Mirana sliced the head off a Sue that was claiming herself heir to the throne by dint of being Mirana's future daughter, and Gavin dispatched one claiming to be Alice's thirteen times great granddaughter. "I must say, Mirana, you have some skill in fighting. I would not think it to look at you."

Mirana grinned savagely. "Well, I took fencing lessons as a girl, but after the battle with Narcissa, I approached Ilosovic about learning how to fight in combat situations. I much prefer being a warrior queen to the placid one I was before." She turned to smile at him. "Though I must say, you and I have a rather natural rapport, and your skill is quite commendable."

"Sword fighting is a skill that once learned, is never truly forgotten. Though I must say, our rapport is nothing compared to theirs." Gavin pointed to Alannah and Ilosovic, who seemed to be fighting in unison. "I've never seen any two people that attuned to each others' movements." Mirana nodded, then resumed the fight.

Teresa took a deep breath. It seemed as if they had been fighting for hours, and still the Sues and Stus kept coming. She looked around, and suddenly spotted something on the horizon. Terri raised her hand to her eyes, peering closer, and cursed under her breath. "LYDIA!"

Her partner looked up, and Terri pointed to the back of the Board. Lydia stared, and cursed loudly, then turned to Tarrant. "When you hear Teresa give the signal, drop flat on the ground. Pass the word." Tarrant looked mystified, but did as he was told. Lydia fought her way through the crowd towards her, and they ran towards the back of the Board.

A woman stood there, and it was hard to tell what she looked like. Her hair was blonde, then red, then brown, then black, then kaleidoscope colors, and her eyes changed colors so quickly that they seemed to blend into one another. Her body shifted, first showing long legs and large breasts, then fur, then a cat's tail and ears, then a female version of Tarrant, then a younger looking Mirana. She turned to the Slayers, her voice both young, and deep, and soft and old and musical at the same time. "YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME! I AM MARY SUE FANGIRL, THE MOST POWERFUL BEING IN THE WORLD! SOON, THIS WORLD WILL BE MINE, AND I WILL MAKE IT A SPARKLY PARADISE WHERE ALL SHALL LOVE AND WORSHIP ME!"

Teresa and Lydia advanced on her, guns drawn. Mary Sue Fangirl laughed when they pressed their guns against her forehead. "Ordinary bullets cannot kill me!"

Teresa grinned and pressed the gun deeper. "Ordinary? No. Silver? Yes. NOW!"

The White Army threw themselves on the ground. At the same time, Lydia and Teresa pulled the triggers.

At first, nothing happened. Mary laughed. "I told..." she stopped, shuddering violently. "No...I...this...NOOOOOOOOO!"

Teresa grabbed Lydia and pulled her down as Mary Sue Fangirl exploded in a glittery mass.

Arianna was the first to stand. "They're gone! The Sues and Stus are gone!" She watched as Terri and Lydia came forward. "What happened?"

Teresa smiled tiredly. "We killed the Source. Mary Sue Fangirl herself. Well...at least for now."

Tarrant frowned. "For now?"

Lydia nodded. "Unfortunately, there's always another. But, that's why we're here. To make sure that the balance is maintained. And really, compared to some other fic worlds, this one is peaceful."

Mirana nodded. "True. Now, I propose that we go get cleaned up and have a marvelous party lasting...oh, until we are tired of partying to celebrate!"

The suggestion was met with cheers of approval.

And so began a Party that would go down in Underland history. After, nobody could quite say what they loved most about it, whether it was the delicious food, the dances, the music, the games, or the fact that in the middle of the Lobster Quadrille, Gavin had got on bended knee and asked Mirana to marry him. She had gaped at him in shock, then shrieked "YES! YES!" in a very UnQueenly way before leaping into his arms for a rather passionate kiss.

Teresa and Lydia stumbled out of the Mirror three days later, exhausted but happy. Lydia grinned. "I can't believe Mirana's getting married in two weeks. I'm so glad she invited us. What are you going to do?"

Terri switched off her computer. "Sleep."


	7. Final Interlude: A White Wedding

Final Interlude: A White Wedding

The day of the wedding of Mirana of Marmoreal to Sir Gavin Castling was one that no Underlander would ever forget. The sky was a brilliant blue, and a warm breeze smelling of jasmine and honeysuckle wafted across the large main Garden, where it seemed that all of Underland had gathered to witness their Queen become a bride.

Inside the palace, the usually unflappable Mirana was in a state of panicked excitement. She paced back and forth in her chambers, worriedly muttering under her breath. "Oh, what if he changes his mind and decides he doesn't want to be king? What if there's an attack during the ceremony? What if the minister forgets the words? What if Gavin forgets to kiss me? What if..."

"What if the Vorpal Sword began to sing?"

Mirana looked up, glaring at Chessur. "That's ridiculous!"

The Cat grinned, turning in the air. "So are all your silly 'what if's', Mirana. Gavin loves you, is quite eager to be your king and husband, Lydia and Teresa are here so if there is an attack, they'll take care of it, and I'm sure Gavin will remember to kiss you. He does that quite a lot, after all."

Mirana growled. "Away with you, you mischievous feline! Send Alice, Meggie and Alannah in here!"

Chessur bowed before evaporating. Moments later, the three women came into the room. Alice spoke for them"Chess said you wanted to see us?"

Mirana nodded, then suddenly beamed and hugged Alice tightly. "Oh, Alice I can't believe this is finally happening! After all these years, thinking I'd never find someone, and now...I'm so very happy! And..a little bit scared. You, Alannah and Meggie have been married and happy for many years now. What is your secret?"

Alannah grinned. "Having fantastic sex doesn't hurt." The others giggled wickedly. "Well, it is true. Passion keeps things fresh. But in all truth, there's times when Ilosovic and I have blistering rows. There's been plenty of slammed doors, yelling, and times when I've been sorely tempted to force feed him something vile. But then I remember all the good times, and there's been plenty of those. The first time he held Katarina in his arms. His bumbling yet sweet attempt at changing her nappy. The way he bonded with Victoria, and his quiet way of talking with Michael when he was a lad. All the times he's helped me clean after I've had a rough time at work. The letters he sends me while on Patrol. Things like that."

"Tarrant will still have moments when he gives in to his Madness, and I won't lie and say it doesn't scare me. He's hurt me a few times, purely by accident, and is always remorseful after. But I love him for the way he treats Fiona, and for the brilliant father and husband he has proven to be. I would not trade my Mad Hatter for anyone."

"I was lucky in my second husband. Thomas and I have our rows, as Alannah put it, but I quite frankly love getting into debates with him, since he is willing to listen to my side and will also concede when he is wrong. Lowell never once asked my opinion on anything, and treated me rather like an idiot child. Thomas is also much more romantic than Lowell ever was. Handsomer, too." The others laughed in agreement, then Alannah addressed Mirana.

"Mirana, you will not have the perfect marriage. You will have fights, and there will be times you and Gavin will be quite furious with each other. You will most likely call him a blithering imbecile at some point-all wives do. However," she took hold of Mirana's shoulders and stared into her eyes, "what you will also have is love. You will have the love of a wife for her husband, a Queen for her King, and most important of all, a woman for her man. You will have trust, and friendship, and long rambling conversations about everything and nothing. You will have someone to press tightly against in the dark and someone who will see you for who you truly are. Not the High Queen, not the Ruler of Underland, but Mirana. You will have someone that saw through the facade to the true beauty underneath. You will have a husband and king."

Mirana wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Thank you, Alannah."

"You're welcome. Now, let's get you married!"

Gavin fiddled nervously with his tie as he glanced down the aisle for the hundredth time. Tarrant, who was the Best Man, grinned at him. "You look a tad nervous, mate."

"Why ever would I be nervous, Tarrant? I'm only about to marry the Queen."

"No, you aren't. You're about to marry Mirana. Queen is just a title. It's not who she is."

Gavin smiled at his friend. "You're right. So, how do I look?"

"Brilliant, mate. Of course, you are wearing something made by Josiah."

Gavin was about to answer when the doors leading to the palace opened, and a vision in white stepped onto the threshold. He watched, awestruck, as she marched up the aisle, a radiant smile on her face and her long train trailing behind her. He waited until she stood before him. "Mirana, you look absolutely gorgeous."

Mirana blushed. "Thank you, my love. You look most handsome as well. Now, I am ready to be married!"

The minister took the cue. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and woman in the bonds of matrimony., bonds which once forged, cannot be easily broken. I must say, if there are any here who object to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." A dead silence, and the minister continued. "Mirana, will you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to honor, from this day until death part you?"

"I do."

"Gavin Castling, will you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love and honor, from this day until death part you?"

"I do."

"Then by the power invested in me by Underland herself, I pronounce that you are man and wife, Lord and Lady, King and Queen. Kiss your bride."

And Gavin pulled Mirana into his arms and kissed her to the sound of thunderous cheers and applause.

Teresa smiled. No doubt, she and Lydia would have a ton of cases backlogged when they came home, and would have to work double time to catch up.

But right now, it was time to have a bit of fun.

_'I love this Mad world.' _

FIN.


End file.
